"New Zealand? Why, no, of course not. Welcome to Wonderland, you ignorant little girl!"
The Cat, of a Feline variety, Alice speculated, leaped off one of the bookshelves and fell slowly alongside Alice. In another situation, Alice might have observed that their velocity was not what she was familiar with when falling in other circumstances, being that the cupboards and bookshelves drifted lazily by. But, seeing that the Cat was three times her size (an unusual circumstance in itself), it did not occur to Alice.
Its founder is a self-funded company's biggest weakness.
The Cat groomed itself in mid-air, tumbling over gracefully to lick its paws and comb its tail, ignoring Alice. Alice cared not one bit for such treatment, being alternately insulted then ignored, but seeing that she was in such a strange place with nobody else to talk to, she thought it best to try to talk to the difficult beast.
Before she could speak, though, the Cat finished its activities, looked her straight in the face, cocked its head and said, "I am the President of a Company, you know."
Such an arrogant and unpleasant creature, Alice thought. "I see," Alice said politely. Then, as a courtesy, she asked, "What does your Company do?"
"Software, hardware, firmware, webware, malware, spyware and, occasionally, silverware. We are the best in the world at every kind of ware."
"Oh, really. How many Employees do you have?" Alice didn't really care much to know but it seemed best to indulge the creature in the hopes that it would turn to more interesting topics eventually. She and the Cat floated gently past several more bookshelves.
"Only myself," the Cat admitted glumly.
"Hmmm," Alice said, not knowing really what to say. Then, recalling that Profit was something that often came up in conversations such as these, she said: "I suppose that you have a good Profit as a result."
The Cat became even more glum. "No Profit. No Sales."
Now this struck Alice as strange: a Company with one Employee and many Products but no Profits and no Sales. In her mind, she had formed a question and was about to ask it but the Cat interrupted her.
"Eureka!" the Cat shouted. The Cat began to talk quickly. "I'll make vaporware! It's easy. It's simple. It'll sell itself. It's purrrrr-fect. I'll knock it out over the weekend!" The Cat was giddy with delight, licking its lips, purring, tumbling end over end in the air and generally acting the fool.
Then, suddenly, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.
Alice was not hurt a bit. She picked herself up but the Cat, of course, landed on its feet. They were in an alcove, shelves above them and small double doors where thrown open with sunlight streaming in, leading out to the Garden.
The Cat, having forgotten about Alice, his Company, his one Employee, his multitude of Products, his lack of Profit and his lack of Sales, his new Product Idea and everything else, began to meow. "Meow, meow!" he cried. "Where is my milk? Meow. Why doesn't The Man bring me my saucer of milk? Meow. Meow. Meow." The Cat slipped through the doors, its back rubbing against the top of the door frame, meowing.
How strange, Alice thought. Such an intelligent creature but so picky, self-indulgent and easily distracted.
Alice approached the double doors. The Cat could be heard, far away, meowing for its milk.
Self-funded companies can try too hard to do everything themselves.
Beyond the doors, there was a little stream in the distance and, beyond that, a hill with beautiful green grass.
Next to the stream, there was a neat little pile of beautiful, brightly colored Easter Eggs. Alice held her breath: they were so pretty. But, nearby the pretty eggs, a green figure ran around in circles in a nervous fashion. He ran to and fro and Alice was so worried that he'd accidentally run into the collection of beautiful eggs that she did not have another thought until she had run down to him.
The Frog looked up at her in surprise. He was a small frog, being only slightly smaller than Alice and both of them somewhat smaller than a single brightly colored egg.
The Frog opened his mouth to speak, but, suddenly, a whooping cry came from the top of the hill. They both looked up the hill and three beautifully painted eggs rolled lazily over the top of the hill.
The Frog closed his mouth with a snap and started running up the hill. Alice, caught up in the moment, followed him. As the eggs descended the hill, they picked up speed.
The Frog leaped at one of the eggs, arms outstretched, and bounced off the egg like a rubber ball, slowing both himself and the egg down. With an amphibian leap, he landed on the egg again, slipping and sliding but somehow managing to bring the oversized treasure to a stop.
Unafraid, Alice threw herself in front of another egg. It bounced over her but she hung on, slipping and sliding, getting grass and mud all over her dress (oh, Mama isn't going to like that at all!). Still, with effort, she brought the second egg to a stop.
But, to Alice’s dismay, the third egg whipped between her and the Frog unimpeded. As Alice watched in horror, the third egg sped down the hill and, at the bottom, launched into the air off a little tuft of grass near the small stream. Through the air, it flew in a lazy arc until it dashed itself to bits in on the rocks in the center of the stream. But, even more horrible, Alice now saw that the stream was littered with the remains of dozens of broken Easter Eggs: multi-colored egg shell shards, stringy broken yellow yolks, frothy egg whites. In the breeze, Alice scented a terrible stench from the dead eggs and she wanted to cry.
Alice and the Frog pushed, pulled and slid the saved Easter Eggs down the hill to the neat little pile. The Frog, a very friendly and earnest chap, thanked her profusely. But Alice, incensed by the terrible waste, stamped her little foot and marched resolutely up the hill. "I shall see who has muddied my dress and wasted such eggs and I'll give them a good talking to!"
Self-funded companies reflect the prejudices of their founders.
At the crest of the hill, a splendid sight revealed itself on the other side.
A long noisy wooden mechanism hoisted Easter Eggs from the bottom of the hill to the top, using an ingenious collection of ropes, pulleys and large wooden boxes. At the bottom of the hill, eggs entered the 
hoisting mechanism from a large grid of criss-crossing wooden paths that marked out grassy workspaces. In each workspace, a mouse sat in an expensive black leather chair with a paintbrush in one hand and a painting pallete in the other. Eggs, in various stages of completion, were conveyed from one workspace to another by a well-engineered system of wooden slides. When an egg arrived at a particular workspace, the mouse would lean forward, adjust the large golden magnifying glass attached to his chair and add a single decoration with his paintbrush. When he was done, the egg would automatically unseat itself from its position and roll gently on to the next workspace. When the eggg was finished, it would slide into the bottom of the hoisting mechanism and be conveyed to the top of the hill.
"Come, lads!" a voice shouted so close to Alice that it gave her a start. "Customers are waiting for those eggs! Put your back into it!"
Standing only a few yards below her, Alice saw a large mouse dressed in an impressive military costume. He continued to encourage, exhort, harangue and chastise the rest of the mice working below.
Before Alice could do anything, three finished Easter Eggs came off the top of the hoisting mechanism. The wooden machinery shoved each egg firmly, in a slight different trajectory. Using their momentum, the eggs climbed the few remaining yards of the grassy slope to the top of the hill and then disappeared out of sight as they rolled down the other side where Alice had just come from.
Alice approached the Great Mouse in the military costume.
“Great Mouse,” Alice said tentatively, reflexively catching her dress and curtsying, since the Great Mouse was quite intimidating with his shouting, “the eggs come over the hill too fast and the Frog cannot handle the volume. You must send him help and slow down your production or else much of your effort will be wasted.”
The Great Mouse turned to Alice with an icy glare. “Tell the Frog that he will do his job or he will be fired.”
Alice tried to explain again but to no avail. “Pish-posh,” replied the Great Mouse. “Frogs do not understand mice or Easter Eggs. We are experts: we develop these beautiful Easter Eggs. (The Great Mouse made a broad gesture.) Every effort must be made to make development easier. No expense should be spared in order to develop the best Easter Eggs possible. Development is the only thing that matters!” The Great Mouse turned his back, dismissing Alice with a hand wave.
Alice stamped her foot in frustration and shouted at the Great Mouse’s back: “If you will not listen, I’ll find somebody who will! When they do a better job, they’ll replace such a short-sighted fool as yourself!”
Alice ran down the hill. At each workspace, Alice stopped and pleaded with the mouse. But, at each and every one, she was rebuffed.
“Frogs don’t understand mice!” the worker mice shouted in unison. “Only a mouse can understand Easter Eggs! Only the Great Mouse can lead this Company! Creating great Easter Eggs is the only thing that matters!”
Crying and frustrated by their hard-headedness, Alice ran away from the hill, the mice and the eggs. She ran haphazardly, not caring where she went, until she was all alone and could only hear her own labored breathing.
Self-funded companies rely heavily on a single person and fall apart with him.
Tired from running, Alice slowed to a walk. After walking a few minutes, she spotted a charming little cottage ahead. Next to the cottage was a long wooden table where three animals worked.
A beautiful hat, made of feathers, lace and velvet passed from animal to animal. The March Hare added a stitch, then passed it to the Dormouse who sewed on a feather or lace, who then passed it to the Mallard Duck who dyed the velvet by squirting dye from his bill. Each seemed to know his job and be happy at his respective task.
"No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!"
From the head of the table, a short rotund man in a great felt top hat leaned forward. "Subtract a stitch, loosen a feather and spit water to wash out the dye! Let us produce Materials, not Products, for how else could we have a Loss instead of Profit."
In frustration, the Mad Hatter threw up his hands, stood up, stomped in the cottage and slammed the door.
Alice said to herself: "Surely, the others will now be even more productive. They all clearly know their jobs well and don't need such mercurial and dysfunctional leadership."
The March Hare, the Dormouse and the Mallard Duck paid no attention to the Mad Hatter's outburst. The March Hare continued to add a stitch. The Dormouse continued to sew on feathers. The Mallard Duck continued to squirt dye.
But, in a minute or so, the March Hare ran out of thread. He immediately turned and began to pluck hair from the Dormouse to use it to stitch the hat. The Dormouse began to complain and, lacking thread, began to stick his feathers into the hat, tearing the velvet and breaking the feathers. The Mallard Duck squirted dye over the torn mess, soiling the table and the other two animals. The animals then began to jostle and tug at one another, forgetting their work and everything else but their own gripes.
Alice rushed up to the table and seized the hat from the threesome, lest it be damaged beyond repair.
"I have seen enough destruction for today," she exclaimed indignantly, "to accept it from three such as yourselves. Each of you has exceptional talents. But it seems that you cannot be trusted by yourselves not to muck it all up."
The March Hare, the Dormouse and the Mallard Duck looked at her for a moment and then resumed their fighting.
Alice put the hat on her head, turned and walked away.
"I suppose," she said to herself, "that the Mad Hatter is what I've heard called the Entrepreneur. Despite his shortcomings, he is the Thread that weaves the Company together. If he goes missing, the Product falls apart into its component Materials. He can be All Wrong, Upside Down and Backwards but, with him, it is a Company and, without him, it is not."
Self-funded companies easily get too comfortable and fail to grow.
Alice walked along a little path.
As she walked, the hat began to twitch. In surprise, she pulled it off her head. The hat now had eyes which blinked at her. As she held it, the feathers transformed into a bushy tail while the velvet transformed into course fur. The hat, now a baby fox, looked up at her, licking its teeth. Alice set the fox down and it scampered out of sight into the underbrush. How very odd, Alice thought.
"Not at all," came a sleepy, languid voice, "it is all very ordinary."
Alice looked up and lounging on the top of a large red mushroom was the Caterpillar. The Caterpillar stared at her with glassy eyes and took a long puff from a large hookah pipe.
Alice replied crossly: "It may be very ordinary to somebody in your condition (she tapped the hookah) but it is all very extraordinary to me."
The Caterpillar took another long puff. "It is what it is. If you buy one of my hookahs, it will still be what it is. Ordinary."
"I mean, it seems extraordinary to me."
"If I were you," the Caterpillar countered, "I'd talk about what it is, not what it seems."
Confused, Alice changed the subject and pointed at the hookah: "If you sell me your hookah, how will you smoke?"
"I shall make another one. My Company makes hookahs and pipes."
"You have a Company, too?" Everybody here seemed engaged in some sort of business. Alice was beginning to find it all very dreary. "I suppose that you sell tobacco as well."
"No," the Caterpillar replied. "Mexican jumping beans."
Alice laughed. "Why do you sell those?"
The Caterpillar put down his mouthpiece. "Because people buy them, of course."
"How do hookahs and Mexican jumping beans go together?"
"They both sell very well."
Alice wrinkled her nose. "Wouldn't it make more sense to sell two things that go together? That way, you might grow to dominate a single area. You could also cross-sell. You might even be more attractive to an acquirer who could easily fit your specialty into his strategy. Tobacco would make more sense."
"Dollar bills go quite well together." A dazed and bored expression came over the Caterpillar's face as he took another long puff from the hookah.
"Wouldn't it be better to produce hookahs faster than one at a time? If I were you, I'd be more ambitious."
"And, if I were you, I'd be less ambitious," the Caterpillar replied dreamily.
To talk to somebody in such a state, Alice decided, is very unproductive.
Getting the job done, not self-sufficency, is the best goal for self-funded companies.
Alice turned and left the Caterpiller (who was almost asleep anyways) and walked further along the little path. In the distance ahead, Alice heard the flourish of trumpets. Eager to see the source of the commotion, she doubled her pace and hurried along the little path.
In a minute, Alice overtook the Snail who was going very slowly down in the same direction.
"What's ahead?" Alice asked the Snail.
"The trial's beginning."
"What trial?"
The Snail ignored her question as it strained forward. "Come on!"
Alice watched as the Snail moved, obviously at his fastest pace, but it was still such that she could take a step and sit down and rest a good long while until the Snail would finally catch up.
"Good heavens!" Alice threw up her hands like Mama did when she was exceedingly frustrated. Alice grasped his shell and picked up the Snail in both hands in order to carry him along with her.
"Stop!" shouted the Snail at the top of his lungs. "I am perfectly capable," he complained, "and I can move by myself. Thank you very much!"
"It is not a matter of capability," Alice explained crossly, "but a matter of efficiency. You move perfectly well but, if you allow me to help you, you will get there much sooner."
"No thank you! I will do it all myself!"
"Suit yourself," replied Alice curtly. She ran up the path, quickly leaving the Snail behind.
Grow.
The little path led to a little cobblestone road which led to a little town square.
When Alice arrived, the King of Hearts was seated on his throne on a stage at the far end, surrounded by a large crowd -- a whole pack of cards in addition to many of the creatures that she had met so far, such as the Frog, the Mallard Duck and so on. To the right, pawns, knights and bishops from the chess set manned the Jury Box. The White Rabbit stood next to the King with his trumpet lowered. The White Rabbit then unrolled a piece of parchment and cried out:
"Bring out the Founder!"
The Ace of Hearts, in chains and flanked by two soldiers, was pulled through the crowd and up onto the stage. The Ace's head hung low and Alice felt quite sorry for him.
"Charge One: Growth!" the White Rabbit announced.
The Jury shouted in response: "Guilty!"
Alice murmured to herself as she pushed her way into the crowd: "That seems unfair. No evidence has been given. No arguments have been made. The Jury hasn't even deliberated. That's not a trial, like I know, or at least, not a fair one. "
The Ace of Hearts raised his head in response. "I confess," he said, addressing the King. "We hired people who did other things than build products. We grew beyond our niche."
The King, on his throne, leaned forward to address the crowd. "Let this be a warning to all Companies out there! Stay tiny and focused on development! Be patient! Stay in your niche!"
Focus.
The White Rabbit bowed as the King sat back. Then the White Rabbit announced:
"Charge Two: Marketing!"
"Guilty!" the Jury shouted.
The Ace of Hearts raised his head again. "I confess. Our products aligned to sell each other. We grew beyond our niche."
The King responded sternly to the crowd: "Let this, too, be a warning! Scatter your efforts! Be ordinary! Stay in your niche!"
Alice, moving towards the middle of the crowd, said softly, "What absurd advice. How unfair! He should be rewarded, not punished, for being capable and ambitious."
Cheerlead.
"Charge Three: Hype!"
"Guilty!"
The Ace was repentent. "I confess. We told our Employees every day: 'Here's how we win. Here's how we succeed.' We never stopped. We grew beyond our niche."
The King called out: "Heed this warning! Be humble! Stay in your niche!"
Alice, indignant, pushed towards the platform. "Ridiculous. Unfair. It makes perfect sense for the Ace to lead his company."
Hearing the commotion, the White Rabbit shouted: "Silence in the court!" The King put on his spectacles and looked over the crowd to see who was speaking.
Stop being a developer; be a businessman.
"Charge Four: Profit!"
"Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" The Jury called out their judgement with reckless abandon.
The Ace of Hearts sobbed. "I confess," he cried through his hands. "We rewarded people with growth and money, instead of interesting assignments and fancy office chairs. We grew beyond our niche."
The King of Hearts bellowed: "Guilty on all four counts! Off with his head!"
Alice burst through the front of the crowd. Incensed by the unfairness of it all, she shouted at the King:
"Tyrant!"
"Who dares to speak?" The King of Hearts leapt from his throne.
Alice braced herself. "You condemn him for no longer being a Worker Bee. But a Company Founder is no longer a specialist but a businessman and an entrepreneur. For his company to thrive, he must change his Ambition, his Product, his Employees and his Measure of Success to make the entire company succeed. A Company is not about Technological Success, it is about Business Success!"
Two soldiers grabbed Alice by the arms and hoisted her on the stage.
Enraged, the King of Hearts shouted: "Such insolence! Off with her head!"
Then, turning to the Jury, the King said: "Off with their heads!"
Then, turning to the crowd, he announced: "Off with all their heads!"
Alice, in tears, shouted back: "For what? If somebody tries to raise his head up, it is cut off? If a Company is formed from nothing but the Founder's hard work, he must try to see the Business and not just the Work. He must be allowed to change because, if he cannot change, the company cannot change and an unchanging company will easily stagnate."
As Alice spoke, Alice grew. At first, she became taller than the King. Then, twice as tall as the King. Then, three times as tall. And she kept growing.
The Chessmen in the Jury looked up at Alice: "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!"
The King of Hearts, purple with rage, pointed upward at Alice and shouted: "Off with her head!"
"Who cares about you?" said Alice (she had grown to her full size by this time). "You're nothing but a pack of cards!"
Alice kicked over the jury box, sending the chessmen sprawling. The cards fluttered up in the air all around her. With a small scream, half in fright, half in anger, she beat the cards away from her dress.
"Alice!" In the distance, Alice heard Mama calling her.
Alice looked around. The animals had scattered. The playing cards and chess pieces lay scattered on the grass, inanimate.
"Phooey on you," she said to her playthings. Then, she ran to tell Mama about her adventures.
Wonderland.
If you liked this article, you might also like Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.
E-mail Dan Howard about this article
